Spoons

I have wanted to write a blog post all week, with so many subjects skipping around inside my head; the problem is, I often have trouble getting my brain and body to co-operate with one another. Sometimes I can overcome this and just about string the words together well enough to write an article, but not this week. This week I have sat in front of the screen with so much to say and so little energy or brainpower to actually go about articulating it in proper, english sentences! This is because I had most definitely used up almost my entire week's worth of spoons by the time Wednesday morning came around.

"Spoons?" I hear you ask, down the corridors of cyberspace, "Has she finally lost it altogether?" Well, that remains debatable but I think I can persuade you that I've not completely departed from sanity just yet. I'm afraid that to obtain proof however, you will need to read the following article:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

This piece of writing was sent to me by the wonderful Clare-Cookie-Reay and it has helped me immensely over the past few weeks in trying to explain the way I "budget" my energy, as I've said before. I don't want this blog to turn into one post after another explaining, or even seemingly 'justifying' my illness, but I just had to share this article because I personally think it's such a brilliant way of explaining the decisions I have to make on not just a daily basis, but an hourly one really. Sometimes I wonder if even my closest friends are offended when, sometimes I can stretch to half a day chilling out with them, and other times all I can manage is an hour before I zone out completely. It must seem so inconsistent.

I know the article is not about M.E specifically, it is about Lupus, but as the author says at the end, its principals can be applied to any chronic illness, disability or limitation. Not only does it help to cite the "spoon theory" when describing my life and energy-budgetting decisions to friends, it actually helps me to understand the situation myself. The simple things which I used to do without even thinking about them - hopping in the shower, popping to the shop, whipping up a meal, etc - are now such hurdles in the day that I have to work out which of them I can manage and which are most definitely a bridge too far. And this kind of thinking often leaves me feeling as though I am going mad; surely such simple tasks can't really be as draining as I feel they are, can they? The answer is yes, they can and they are, and actually, recognising this is a big part of beginning to manage this illness rather than allowing it to "manage" (or control) me.

I honestly believe I have found better ways to cope with M.E over the past 6 months than I had before; most importantly, I've accepted my limitations. I have not given in to them and I will not accept that they are permanent, but it did me no good battling them and wishing them away before, it just made me more ill and actually more emotional. Now that I understand what I can and can't manage, I am able to plan my weeks and months to include a couple of nice things, and look forward to those things with a lot of rest in between, rather than just try and do everything I possibly can, and everything that is offered to me, and then crash again afterwards, regretting all the uplifting times I had had.

Don't get me wrong, I still overdo it - frequently - and try and make my "spoons" stretch further than I should, but surely that's not the end of the world, it just indicates that I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in. The important thing is I know my limits and I do my very best to stay within them. There's wisdom in this even if you're perfectly healthy - surely you would want to avoid burning out and having to count your spoons the way I currently do. Take it from me - look after yourself well now, while you have a say in it, and leave some spoons in reserve - it will be worth it.