I can't believe how long it's been since I had the energy or brainpower to even think of something to write a post about, let alone to actually sit and write it. The ironic thing is that today I feel more washed out than I have in a long time and yet my mind is full to the brim with things to write about! I've settled on writing about a song by a Christian band called Casting Crowns. This band have written no end of songs that inspire me, mostly about the tougher things in life which are often so difficult to put into words; somehow, they always hit the nail on the head.
The particular song which has been going round and round in my mind, however, is one called Slow Fade and although it isn't "inspirational" in the way that some of their songs are, it is seriously thought-provoking and is helping me to understand and pray for a number of situations, and individuals in particular, who seemed to have slipped further and further away from faith:
Slow Fade
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
I never used to be able to comprehend how someone could be so passionate about God one day and then want nothing more to do with Him or the life they had lived for Him the next. For some reason, I didn't realise that in the majority of those situations, it wasn't a sudden decision, a sudden realisation, but something which had crept up gradually through a series of bad decisions, for example, over a period of time.
I read that 'Slow Fade' was written with Fathers in mind. However, its lyrics can be applied to many other situations besides Christian Dads. The fact is, anyone can become disillusioned with the church; anyone can slowly fade back from the life they led simply by taking one step at a time in the opposite direction. It happens to the most "unlikely" of people, people you would never expect to see turning from God - and this is when it can potentially have the most shattering effect. When someone who seemed unshakeable in their faith turns from God, it tends to make you question your own beliefs.
I know if you are a Christian reading this, it all seems very negative and maybe even depressing and you may even be wondering why I've chosen to go on about this subject, but the fact is it can happen to anyone. Listening to 'Slow Fade' last week after a particularly tough conversation with an old friend, I chose to learn from some of the lyrics of the song and to take them on board as a lesson for myself. I realised that even the tiniest, seemingly innocuous decisions and thoughts can begin a process which is so subtle that we may not even notice it ourselves until we are so far down the path that we no longer want to travel back up it to where we started.
I often say that I cannot imagine my life without God in it, without the purpose He gives and the unconditional love, support and friendship, and therefore I can't imagine ever wanting to turn away from all that. I have realised however that this is a very idealistic stance to take; of course I would never willingly renounce my faith but it is much more conceivable that I would make wrong decisions, or have wrong priorities and attitudes, and it is these things which have the potential to begin a "slow fade". It is not always the big things we do, or don't do, which shape our character and our journey; more often than not, it is the smaller, less obvious ones. Knowing this simple fact has helped me in two important ways: Firstly, I understand now that when someone I care about decides God is no longer for them, they probably haven't reached that decision in an instant. Secondly, I have learned that it really is important to be aware of what I'm letting my "little ears and eyes" hear and see, and where I'm letting my "little feet" go.
"It's a slow fade when black and white turn to grey.............People never crumble in a day."
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines...and the fields lie empty and barren.... yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.
5 comments:
Hey you. very deep. banana medicine, girl dogs and this inbetween :)
I can only really tell my story. I grew up in church all my life, and knew nothing else of life to be honest. When we lost our first baby the world darkend, My belief in an all powerful God waivered when I couldn't understand why it had happened. I prayed and prayed, believing that there must have been a reason. Attending church meetings was hard, signing of a god who 'gives and takes away' and honestly knowing how that felt. After services people were affraid to talk to us, a human response i guess. but we were quickly isolated.
The second miscarriage happened and just shattered me to bits. Gods voice had just switched off. The church had no answers, in fact no-one did. not even doctors. What happened to the 'not cause you to stumble promises?', i hit rock bottom and spiraled into depresion and self loathing. believing that i must be doing something wrong. crying to God i had no-one, my church friends had forgotten about me, my church attendance was nothing at all. and no one called me to see how i was.
The third miscarriage is where my faith died. i had been beaten black and blue. i had nothing to hold on to. prayers were empty words, and people saying they would pray for me became such a poison to me. i felt so angry. church failed. and God could have shown in an instance. but nothing...
I am not Job, i never claim or claimed to be.
I don't understand anything, yet alone God who has become silent. and cannot think of a single reason why He would do this. And that is what hurts the most.
It took two and a half years to get like this. a slow fade.
Hey "starinajar!"
Wow, I had a feeling my post was a bit deep but I had no intention of upsetting anyone or hitting any nerves so I really hope I haven't offended you.
I will reply properly in an email but just wanted to say on here thank you so much for being so honest, it can't have been easy to write that message.
I am not at all surprised you're feeling the way you are, I'd almost be more surprised if you felt any different to be honest. Your story gives the songwords I wrote about a whole new perspective and even make more sense of it than any other angle I'd taken on it. Thank you for sharing what you have and I really hope and pray (sorry!) that life begins to deal you a kinder hand. You really deserve it. I'll email you now. Much love x
When I was deep in my depression and felt like all the god stuff was just so much bull, I could easily have walked away.
Sometimes you just feel like saying to God "Look, will you get in the game! We're here and we're asking for stuff to get sorted and you're doing sweet FA about it!"
When I'm feeling like that I can put up with most things that well-meaning people say to me. The song starinajar references, I find quite helpful, having come to my own sense of loss in that we probably won't have kids and sometimes you ask why. But it does feel fake when in your heart you've lost belief or conviction that any of it is true, and people say 'we're praying for you'. I admit in the past I've mumbled thanks while thinking 'fat lot of use that'll be'.
Most of the time the reassurances people give you are a bit twee, but you learn to accept them graciously, because otherwise you'll lose a friendship. The one thing I can't stand is that ******* footprints poem. I honestly find it hard to contain my vitriol for that. It makes me want to vomit. I can feel the bile rising in my throat just thinking about it. I feel like writing my own version...
Blah, blah, man had a dream, walking along a beach with the Lord, scenes from his life in the sky etc.
He looks back and see that at times there were only one set of footprints in the sand, corresponding roughly to the toughest times in his life.
He challenged God on that, saying 'Why did you leave me when things were at their toughest' and God paused, looks a little shame-faced, and said:
"Well, I'm very busy..."
Well Mrs M, I'll try to comment you through the big fat worms I'm now swimming in since you apparently opened a can...
I think your words are beautiful, your faith is beautiful, and so are you. I feel blessed to have a friend like you.
What you've said really hits home with me (you know what's been happening with a friend of mine the last few months)- you've helped put things in perspective and I'm really grateful.
Love you pea xxx
Deep. (How funny, I just noticed that Matt said the same!). An excellent post. So so true.
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